I WILL NEVER BE OKAY... (THE MAKING OF A MEMOIR)

My name is Jacinta, a name that I've never loved because to me it sounds so wierd, but it's okay if that's what mama could do best. I don't blame her anyway. I've always seen myself as a very sloppy person, I've never loved myself either. I don't take proper care of myself, I don't take time for myself, I seek a lot of attention, affection and affirmation and I've never felt good, pretty or smart enough.

Well, I'm the only daughter in our family. I don't come from a well-to-do family but still I've never been that perfect girl my parents have always wanted. I've been messy all along, and sluggish in all the activities I was assigned to do. Since primary school, I've never missed in a list of culprits, I can't say that it was because of poor home life, I'm pretty sure that it's me who was the problem. I never used to perform well either..

After highschool, I was lucky that I miraculously joined campus. I had anticipated that those four campus years would be the best of my life, wueh! Such a fairy tale. I've never enjoyed anything in campus, not even the environment. Workloads, financial problems, homesickness all generates pressure. My transcript reads supplimentaries, missing marks and resits, I believe that I'm such a fool, with just an endless desire for people's sons. 

My life has been full of assaults and heartbreaks. I've failed in romantic relationships severally (mind not the many times). It's like I'm such a poor communicator, because now why do they always leave? Or it's me who has always made bad choices whenever it comes to this relationship thing. Some say that I'm egocentric, others say I got pride and others will say that they're insecure having me. It might be true but now about this, I don't think if I care anymore. Didn't y'all tell me that what was meant for me will definitely come? I ain't even romantic though... 

I've failed in friendships too. No matter how hard I try to just keep it alive, I'll at last turn out to be the 'snake' as them bad pals are called. I always see myself playing all my roles and I at times fail to understand why the friendship will always fizzle out. But maybe I just got a lot of expectations, of unattainable perfection.

Let it not be assumed that I'm striving for flawlessness in all areas of my life, but I'm an underachiever. It stinks being one, right? I've had so many ambitions, people have always believed in me but I got stuck on my ways. I've tried shedding off some of my bad habits like procrastination but it's still so hard to. I'm always delaying in sending emails and making important phone calls. I've tried improving consistency and productivity but it's all in vain. I've tried breaking my tasks into smaller manageable ones but it seems impossible. I'm such a less productive piece of sh**t.

I got such a rigid mindset. I'm never prepared. I'm never present at any moment of my life. Always on my phone waiting for notifications, filled with news, reddit drama and Elon Musk shenanigans.

 I've wasted alot of time by being excessively on social media, doing nothing important but doom-scrolling.

There's this lil voice in my head that keeps disgrading my actions and constantly reminding me of my past failures. Self criticism is about to win. I'm so much afraid of trying because I got that fear of failing which is almost paralysing me. To me, failure ain't an opportunity for growth and learning as you people say, but a very strong force that pull me down always. To hell my therapist, I don't see myself being okay anytime soon.